Emotions...

This is going to be short and to the point...

Today was one big mixed bag of emotions for me but everything is okay....

And the main reason, not the only reason mind you, but the main reason is because I have Michael. Just the stroke of a hand through my hair and kind loving words go so far...

Night Everyone..

Connected and Intertwined

The one thing I can honestly say about myself is I truly believe there is only one person made completely for another and no one else. Michael said it best when it referred to it as "Star-Crossed Lovers". They are the ones destiny decided long ago that their souls were meant to become one but there always seems to be something that keeps them from actually fulfilling that destiny.

The best comparison I have to this is Romeo and Juliet. The two were destined souls who were willing to do anything they could to have the deep love they wanted and needed but something was always standing in their way and that something was their families.

I think Michael and I are those star-crossed lovers however, we have different things working against us here. Not our families because our families are more than supportive. In fact, his family loves me tremendously as I do them and my family has taken to Michael in a way I never thought they ever would.

Nope, no family issues here. What we have is other things like illness and financial issues. I do realize we are not the only people in the world who have these problems but sometimes, when the weight of it all is bearing down upon us, it sure feels like it.

The nice thing is we both understand what we are up against and are willing to take every bit of it in stride and make this relationship work.

So what if things don't go as planned sometimes. So what if we have some problems from time to time. None of that changes the fact that we love each other above everything in the world and as long as we keep all of this in mind, nothing will change it.

Today I am not feeling well. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told I have a severe infection in my kidneys and my bladder. Basically, I feel very very bad. Between the pain and the off and on fever all I want to do is curl up in a ball and just be left alone. Does that sound so bad?

Well Michael has stepped in and made sure I am in fact taking care of myself. He won't really let me be alone until its time for me to actually go to sleep. He keeps doing things for me and above everything else, making me smile. So even though I want to beat something or rip out parts of me that hurt so bad I am still smiling and that is just because of everything Michael is doing just for me. His consideration of how I am feeling is overwhelming. Its something I am not use to. I have always been one to take care of myself and not let anyone in to help because I didn't like the idea of feeling helpless. But after the way he was with me last night, I don't feel that way at all. The helplessness is gone and has been replaced by a deep thankfulness, gratitude and love.

Its what we do for each other. There are many days when Michael isn't feeling up to par because of his diabetes and I find myself running around trying to do everything I can to make him feel better but what I didn't realize before a few days ago is that it isn't necessarily what I can do for him rather than just be there with him. Cooking and cleaning and whatever else is great but it doesn't compare to just having the person you love sitting right there beside you holding your hand or hugging you and talking about nothing but mindless things.

Since October I have been through CAT scan's, MRI's and even a surgery. I have been placed on hormone treatments through my doctors office and even had a million little over issues going on with my body. I have found out I am full of cysts and tumors as well. It's been a huge blow to me too because I hate doctors with a passion. I have alot of other stress under my belt too so all of this has sent be spiraling back into a world of depression that I am having a hard time dealing with.

As for Michael, he is a type 1 diabetic. Basically he is the worst diabetic one can be. He has said it many many times, on the outside he is a 31 year old man but on the inside, he is an 80 year old man. It's scary for him but the thing is, he really isn't afraid. Its more of a frustration because this disease that is slowly killing him keeps him from doing all of the things in the world he wants to do. Michael doesn't really ever get depressed as people would like to call it so easily. He just becomes frustrated more than anything and I am now starting to realize why. Here is a man who looks at the world much differently than anyone else I have ever known. He sees beauty in everything. No matter what it is, he sees all of its qualities, good and bad because all of it is simply beautiful.

Many people have noticed this about Michael through his blog. His outlook on life isn't negative, in fact, its always positive. And when someone tries to step in and change that outlook, he becomes very very angry.

Me on the other hand spent so much time in my life focusing on so much negative. It didn't matter what it was or how beautiful it was there had to be a catch. It had to be too good to be true.

Not with Michael.

And here is where I am now. Yes each day is a struggle for me still. Its hard to block out the negative and focus on the good when that's all you have done. But I am learning from the greatest teacher I could ever have or hoped for. Michael is pretty much reteaching my mind. Making me see things in a different light. Making me realize that no matter how bad things can possibly get for us as long as we have each other and can make each other smile through it all, life is a good as it can be.

And he is right.

And he ought to know. This is coming from a man who has died a few times and has figured out who he is and how to appreciate everything he has been given. There is a plan for each of us in this world. Even if we don't know what that plan is we at least need to sit back, take a deep breath, open our eyes and just enjoy what we have for every moment we have it.

Michael is my star-crossed lover. The only difference here is simple.. We will not cross paths. We will join that path and walk down it hand in hand radiating nothing but a simple and purely deep love for one another.... In other words, two stars shall forever become one...

A long time ago when the heavens first emerged
When God placed stars to ignite the darkness of night
No one knew, with only which star, each was meant to converge.
To connect and intertwine, making the heavens much more bright.

This is when the “Star Crossed Lovers” were born
And idea created in Gods unlimited and unseen mind
Unleashed in the vast darkness of the universe to be adored
By everyone in the worlds below, it was a gift for all mankind.

For when two stars paths did finally connect and intertwine
They would become one with each others beautiful radiant glow.
It was God’s plan for the two, it was his ingenious design
So love was blossomed for the two because it was supposed to grow.

Things aren’t always easy for a star crossed soul.
Easy was something God never intended it to be
Sometimes its hard, sometimes it almost seems out of control
But their love has become the light which enables them to see..

The good will come right along with the bad and unjust
None of that will matter as long as they take each other’s hand
Hold on tightly, never letting go and learning to trust
But above everything else,
Never forget you crossed because it was all part of destiny’s plan

Sometimes...

You know there are times when someone knows you so well.. actually better than you know yourself... its hard to hear certain things.

I won't lie. Lately Michael has really brought many things to my attention about myself and if I may be frank... I HATE HEARING THEM!!!

Okay so I am human. Yes I make mistakes but no one usually likes having them put right out there for them to see. Know what I mean???

I have to admit, that is something Michael is good out. He can read others like an open book that he never even had to thumb over the pages to get the info. It's cool and strange all at the same time. I was one who thought I always had good insight but I have to be honest, his is better.

But the nice thing about all of this is simple... at least I know he cares. At least I know he is paying attention to me and that above everything else matters more. That's why I love this man. And this is why I will go to my grave loving this man...

How can I sing my gratitude,
Explain my silent sea,
Approximate in words the gift
That you have been to me?
How can I show my love to you,
Elucidate that golden drift,
Rolling wild and free?

You Just Know...

Do you remember the moment you met the one person who you knew you would spend the rest of your life with? How about the first words they ever spoke to you?

I do...

I remember them as if they just happened yesterday.

I can still see the look he had on his face. The smile not only across his lips but the one he carried in his eyes are seared into my memory so deep I see it daily. There is no way to describe it in a way that anyone could understand it the way I do. I could compare it to something you see in the movies but it was so much more.

What comes next is the first touch. I knew right then and there this was it. This is who I was meant to be with. Does that sound silly? I mean they always say you just know right? So maybe its not so silly. I have to admit that it never felt that way to me. I felt as though the both of us were placed together by fate.

We have a connection that I can honestly say most people in the world have not either been lucky enough to experience on their own or refused to allow themselves the opportunity to experience.

Over the years I have watched friends in their relationships, not all mind you, but a good majority who are miserable. Actually I can even include a ton of family members in that statement if I want to be brutally honest.

They don't laugh. They don't play. They don't look into the eyes of the one they love and become lost. They don't sit around during the day and drift off into little "daydreams". Their eyes don't light up when they talk about the one they supposedly love.

I consider myself lucky. I am privileged. I am in love.

We still laugh. We still play. I still look into his eyes everyday and become lost. I sit at work and catch myself drifting off in thought of him and I know when someone asks me about him, my eyes sparkle like stars in the night sky.

Michael is my best friend. Micheal is my other half... My soulmate... I don't really want to steal cheesy movies lines but the "You complete me line" from Jerry McGuire is true in my case but you know what else? It's an understatement as well because it is so much more.... Wow... So much more...

Words Spoken

I asked you if you loved me
you answered forever and a day
until eternity passes
and heaven fades away

And you asked me if I loved you
I answered for all time
until the stars fade out I cried
until the sun no longer shines

And eternity passes
and heaven faded away
and the stars burned out
the sun turned to grey

And so our loved remained
Promises kept unbroken
We loved until the end
truth in the words spoken.

Affaire de Coeur

Affaire de Coeur .. French ~ noun ~ meaning love relationship, love affair or affair of the heart. Romance, amour, intrigue, seduction...passion

I found the love of my life in my best friend and I want to share it with the world...

My journey has begun... And this is the place where I have decided to express my thoughts..my feelings... my life... and my experiences with Michael...